Hai from Shanghai
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Showing posts tagged humor
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“I Like Chinese,” by Monty Python (1980)
[To reflect today’s reality, I’ve made two small amendments to the lyrics.]
The world today seems absolutely crackers,
With nuclear bombs to blow us all sky high.
There’s fools and idiots sitting on the trigger.
It’s depressing and it’s senseless, and that’s why…I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they’re always friendly, and they’re ready to please.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
There’s [1.3 billion] of them in the world today.
You’d better learn to like them; that’s what I say.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They come from a long way overseas,
But they’re cute and they’re cuddly, and they’re ready to please.
I like Chinese food.
The waiters [always] are rude.
Think of the many things they’ve done to impress.
There’s Maoism, Taoism, I Ching, and chess.
So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.
I like Chinese thought,
The wisdom that Confucious taught.
If Darwin is anything to shout about,
The Chinese will survive us all without any doubt.
So, I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees,
Yet they’re wise and they’re witty, and they’re ready to please.
All together!
Wo ai zhongguo ren.
Wo ai zhongguo ren.
Wo ai zhongguo ren.
Ni hao ma, ni hao ma, ni hao ma, zaijien!
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
Their food is guaranteed to please,
A 14, a 7, a 9, and lychees.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
I like their tiny little trees,
Their Zen, their ping-pong, their yin, and yang-ese.
I like Chinese.
I like Chinese.
They only come up to your knees… -
”Inspired by a “love for sesame oil” and “a deep hatred of ducks,” the food of China was considered both “highly boxable” and “stick-pick-uppable.” Menus were “extensive and cheap,” and “could slide under even the lowest doorframes.” Don’t eat the paper inside the “cookies that taste like paper!
The Chinese food entry in the “ZAGAT Guide to World Cuisine: 2010,” from Earth (The Book), which I picked up again (and am now having a hard time putting down, again) to help teach the satire lesson of my humor-writing course.
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Chinese Woman Gives Birth to Septuplets, Has One Week To Choose
SHANGHAI, CHINA—In the second such documented case ever, Jinan Huang, a 33-year-old Shanghai woman, gave birth to septuplets Monday.
Jinan, who is in stable condition following the 31-hour delivery, has been given one week by government officials to decide which child she will keep.
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2012 Ice Cream Overdose
You know what? There’s something a little joyous about Purple Bean Boy, like a certain “haha whatever” attitude about it. Look at that stick, just jammed into the corner. I like to think that whoever was working at the ice cream factory that day when this one went out, it was their last day on the job after working something like 15 years at the factory. Last day on the job at the damn ice cream factory, and they just got back from a two-hour liquid lunch, a bit hammered. Purple Bean Boy came down the conveyor belt, the guy stuck in the stick thing like he’d being doing every damn day for the last 15 years, and then right after that, he throws up two middle fingers, waving them around to everyone else on the factory floor, like “Fuck all you guys! I’m DONE! PEACE!” and walks out the door.
+ more hilarity
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”It was hard, really, to put any kind of definite face on China. The old Soviet Union, with its squat, warty leaders banging their shoes on the U.N. podium and threatening thermonuclear extinction, all those vodka-swollen, porcine faces squinting from under sable hats atop Lenin’s Tomb as nuclear missiles rolled by like floats in a parade from hell — those Commies at least looked scary. But on the rare occasion when the nine members of China’s Politburo Standing Committee, the men who ruled 1.3 billion people — one-fifth of the world’s population — lined up for a group photo, they looked like a delegation of identical, overpaid dentists.
From They Eat Puppies, Don’t They?, by Christopher Buckley, which was reviewed in the Times last Friday. Looking forward to reading this one!
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”If you buy your July 4 supplies at Walmart you can celebrate our independence from Britain and our dependence on China at the same time.
Andy Borowitz, @BorowitzReport
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Hitting China With Humor
China’s leaders have tried honoring Ai Weiwei and bribing him with the offer of high positions. They have tried jailing him, fining him and clubbing him so brutally that he needed emergency brain surgery. In desperation, they have even begged him to behave — and nothing works….
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Likes
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They almost fooled me…
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CYBERDOG
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SHANGHAI’S GANGNAM GRANNIES
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HOW MY ST PATRICK'S DAY ENDED
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Huskies look pretty pumped to be taking part in a training session at Feshiebridge, in Aviemore,...
